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"She" - Self Portrait July 2017

July 24, 2017



• she •

“My dear, what was the greatest loss you ever endured?”

“She... She was...”

“She? Your mother? Your daughter? Your closest friend?”

“No... She... ME...”

“What do you mean, dear? You are still here, sitting right in front of me.”

“Though, those all hurt and tore my heart to pieces, what I am speaking of is not a physical loss.

And this loss hurt worse than any of the others I've endured.

The flames came, and I allowed them to devour me, to burn me to the ground.
I allowed the opinions, the words, the actions of others to break me. To crumble me. To wash over me and sweep me away into the darkness.
The demons came knocking at my door, and I opened it.
Beasts came at me, aimed their sharp teeth right at my heart, and I did not raise my shield.
I trusted, and followed the shadows of too many villains, instead of walking in the light of heroes and heroines.
I played too closely with the dark side, the shadow world. Until one day I was snatched away.
This is all what happened until one day... She was gone... I lost myself... And I haven’t been able to find her since...”

“Are you sure she is truly gone?”

“That’s the thing. I really don’t believe so. There are still moments when she shows herself again. Sometimes she shines in the stars, the moon, the flowers on the side of the road. The moments when I dip my toes back in the light, she shows herself sometimes.”

“Well what can be done? How can you bring her back?”

“I don’t know. But all I know, is she is worth fighting for.
And when she returns, she will be a different woman than before.
She will be who she was always meant to be.
In fact... She will learn how to fight for herself.
She will find her peace.
She will breathe again.
She will walk gracefully, but with a new found strength.
And it won’t come from anyone or anywhere else.
It will come from inside, something she found all on her own, a strength she never even could have imagined.

She will be brave enough to walk away when it is time to do so.

And she will also be brave enough to hold her head high and walk forward into new beginnings.
She will tap into the energy of the water, the moon. She will use the magic of her star sign.
Instead of running to the dark and unknown.

She will have faith, she will see the world through child like eyes.

She will see all the wonder and light life has to offer.
She will become one with Mother Earth, her ancestors, and most importantly, herself.
She will inhale all that she is, and let that run through her veins.
And exhale all of the demons who have latched so fiercely to her heart.
She will learn to hold herself when no one else is there.
Not out of self pity, but self knowing.

That everything she needs is within her.

She will let go of her losses and betrayals.

And she will find the mother she always wanted, her daughter she wishes she could hold one more time, the man she wishes would protect and love her, the love she wishes she could find outside of her... from inside herself.

She will no longer give herself away to anyone.

She will hold out for a man, her king, who will treat her as the queen she is.

She will wait for a man who will worship not just her body, but her heart, her purpose, her gifts, her soul.

And she will continue to build herself and her kingdom until he arrives.

She will also attract the family, the tribe her heart has always longed for.

By healing herself first. By finding family and tribe inside herself.

She will fall madly in love with herself, her artwork, and her life.

She will release her anger and transmute it into forgiveness and action.

She will change the world because of the pain which was been inflicted upon her.

She will treasure her body, her vessel, like the most sacred forest on Planet Earth.

Full of life, and wonder, and magic.

She will treat her life, her soul, as she does her body.

Only allowing creatures of light to tread her mossy trails, to drink from her babbling creeks, to bask in her grassy fields, to climb her majestic mountains.

She will honor herself and never stand down from protecting herself and her golden heart.

And she will protect those who cannot protect themselves.

She will stand and speak for those who do not have the strength yet.

She will only let those into her world who honor her for the queen she is.

She will only allow those who will love her at her best AND her worst.

And she will give the same kind of love in return.
She will become a warrior.
She who runs barefoot through the forests with the fawn and the wolves.
She will also become a goddess.
She will bring beauty to the world.
She will wear her armor proudly, but have enough discernment to know when to take it off.
She will not shield off those who truly honor her.
But she will raise her shield to the Hounds of Hell, the beasts, who wish to overthrow her.

She knows whose side to stand by.
She will remember that her heartbeat, is the only beat she need listen to.
And she will begin to dance to that beat, and not care who is watching, or if she dances alone.
She will trust God, her ancestors, the Universe, her, angels, the animal and spirit guides.
But most crucial of all, she will trust herself.
She will toss her head back, face to the sky, breathe in, and she will laugh again.

She will become one with the creatures of the earth.

And let their medicine and messages guide her.

She will become one with the elements; the water, the earth, the air, the fire.

And let them energize her.

She will discover she has a more wisdom inside of her than any book, "expert", guru, or anywhere else she could turn to.
She will find a joy and happiness that she has never felt before.

She will spread her wings and fly.

And help others find theirs so they can fly along next to her.

She will still fall, and break, and mess up sometimes.

But she will accept herself and understand that she is still human.

She will use those experiences as lessons to learn and grow from instead of weapons of guilt to destroy herself.

She will have great stamina, the strength of 1,000 men, flowing through her bones.

She will always reach her hand out to those in need, and hold them close when there is nothing left to be done, when there are no words.

She will give the love she wish she could have received, and sprinkle love all over the world.
She will will wear courage and kindness like the most regal crown to ever be placed on any head.
And she will use that crown to rule with light.
She will use her gifts to bring light to the world, not crumble it... Or herself...

She will choose life, over death.

She will wake up, like a sleeping giant.

She knows it is her time.
She will return.

She is incorruptible.
She will rise with the fire, and this time not let it burn her to ashes.

She will rise with the waves of the storm and not let them wash her away.

She will use her light to out-shine the darkness and not let it be put out. Ever.
She will overcome.

She is free.
She IS here.
She is me.”

~ Hannah Celeste

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